I've Lost My Spacemonkey
I've been walking round base for about an hour now. People keep giving me sympathising looks. Gossip travels fast around the base, but bad news travels faster. Carter made an equation for it once, with different scenarios and stuff. We all had a huge laugh, even Teal'C cracked a smile. I'm walking around the base and I realise I'm thinking about the silliest things. There's different things going on in different parts of my brain. One part is just silent, like it's gone numb. Another part is replaying what happened when Charlie...and another part is reminding me of Daniel, everything we did, everything we said. And then the last part is just chattering away about meaningless things like the weather differences between here and Abydos. I want to go to my office, but the numb part of my brain is interfering, I don't know where I am, or what I'm doing. I haven't even cried yet, my best friend is dead and I can't even cry. Correction, he's not dead, he's just moved on to a new spiritual plain. Isn't that what death is though?
I'm somewhere near my office, I passed Sam's lab and heard her crying. I passed Daniels Team's room and heard, mainly silence, a few sniffles and maybe a sob. I'm going to my office, I hope no one's there. People seem to think I want to talk about stuff. I don't. The only person I could ever talk to was Daniel. No one's in my office, I sit down at my computer and the chattering part of my brain decides to open my e-mail inbox, as I haven't done that for a month. So I do that. Mainly spam, some newsletters I signed up for, and near the end, an e-mail from Daniel. My face cracks into a smile, it's some silly jokes about doctors and dogs and stuff. I hit the reply button and go to start typing a message back, and then I freeze. He's not going to get this e-mail.
My head hits the desk and I cry, I cry like I have never cried before. My best friend is gone. I never even got to tell him how much I care, that I loved him. Yes, I loved him. I carry on crying as I realise that I'm never going to see him again, never get to tease him about his coffee and cookie addiction, never argue with him, never hug him and call him Spacemonkey. I've lost him and I'm not going to get him back.
Finally I stop crying and I sit up. I'm an airforce colonel in his mid-forties and I've lost soldiers before. I'm the leader and I have to support the rest of the team. It's my job. It's good, something to do, something to help me forget, that's why I took the first Abydos mission, because it would distract me from what happened with Charlie.
I make sure no traces of tears are on my face and then I get up. First of all I have to see Carter, then Teal'C. The colonel part of my mind is in charge, I've got to sort things out, got to lead. He's not really dead, he's just gone somewhere else. There's a quote about death, I haven't died, I've just gone into the next room. He's not dead anyway, he's doing things that no one's ever done before. He's made a choice, and all I can do I continue to love him and wait for him and remember him. I know I'm going to see him again somewhere, even if it's when I die. He's so brave, when I first met him I thought he was a geek, it's amazing how saving the world several times makes you change your opinion of people. The number of times he's been shot and tortured and...everything, and he always came back, this time he won't.
He's not dead!
But a tiny part at the back of my mind is nagging on...
I've lost my spacemonkey...and I don't know where he is.